Times flashes before my eyes
And to my surprise
I do not cry.
I remember everything
From the way the rain caressed my skin in the countless storms.
To the lighting I chased into a holler.
I remember dancing in Paris
Drinking wine and champagne
The sounds of cicadas in the heat of southern France
The ocean kissing my thighs staying in a mansion on an island in Charleston
Jumping off a ship forty feet high, into the depths of Lawrence Bay.
Walking in Boston with heels 6 inches high, 18 miles and cool breezes go bye.
My heart breaking in two
When the one who groomed me just would not do.
Military obedience. Knock on wood and I remember my name.
Gatton Academy the smell of a dorm.
Woodsy outings every chance that I could.
Smacked in the face with a set of tongs.
My fiancé and I hating the other.
Self-loathing and doubt.
Depression in hand.
Seeing shadows and demons
All through the land.
Acid and Weed and Shrooms were my friends.
When my imaginary ones got replaces by the darkness.
And now I am dancing
My body twisted around a pole.
Earning money by snatching souls.
God and again my head is so loud.
No individual voices heard, only shouts from a crowd.
To the kitchens I go to make a dime and a dollar.
I like the men there, they know how to holla.
Brothers in arms, much more than soldiers.
We were comrades and ran the line like we were focused stoners.
Learning to speak.
Has been a long road
For I was silenced so long long ago.
Playing in solitary confinement
For most of my life
I learned to find magic
In the toughest of strife.
Then the breaking
And the quaking of my mind
Cortisol is shaking and conquesting my body.
I knew from thirteen that I saw what others don’t see.
And the frantic pace of life gets to me.
My face in the mirror won’t stay steady.
To Texas I go to find about Grammy.
Cigarettes smoked in a motel room.
I write about greed
Inspired by another groomer.
Driving for days.
Sleep when I’m dead.
I find myself patting a camel’s head.
Red leggings, no home known.
So tired am I
And safety is a pipedream.
Been on the road without a sure place
For a decade now, no wonder my pace.
Last time I lose my mind
Was flashing pedestrians looking for a Spirit Airline.
The demons surrounding have turned to angels now.
Protection found me.
Bathroom floors Breathing Rugged.
Flashbacks find me
From lifetimes ago.
I turn a certain age
And I die again
Remembering that maybe long ago I had a friend.
Someone worth fighting for and someone worth it all.
That someone is me, and for her I head the call.